In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
