then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
