I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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