Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
