I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Houston, we have a blender
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize