Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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