Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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