someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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