you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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