Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
