Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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