apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
