so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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