When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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