I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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