I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
