Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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