we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
