1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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