When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
