dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize