True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
