I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
