I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
