Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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