His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm really into asian looking animals
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
