Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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