he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
