Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
