She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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