if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
