What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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