Your face is a jimmy john
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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