His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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