I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize