DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize