We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize