I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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