Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
