I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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