i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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