Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
