she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
