Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
