hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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