And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We left the knife in your bed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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