I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
