??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
