Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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