I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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