i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
