I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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