my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize