She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
