Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
