Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
