Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
