Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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