I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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